I used to travel down to the country to see my Spiritual Director, the main reason being , I suppose was that it cheered me up, especially by him reassuring me that I was not crazy of imagining things. But I did notice one thing and that was that I walked down the driveway away from the monastery that the Darkness was already setting back in. But it does get better or we get more used to walking in Darkness, I'm not sure quite which , but it does get easier with time. Regarding Fear of Damnation. When I look back on my much younger self on the face of things I look so much better than I am now. Especially when I was in the Monastery. No smoking or drinking, no internet, several hours in front of the Blessed Sacrament, Confession once a week and so on. I just seemed so very,very pious, a real saint. Whereas now I suppose from the outside looking in I suspect many people might think that I was neither Spiritual or really religious at all. In a similiar way folks often look back to their childhood or teen years and think, 'That is when I was really carefree and happy!' But God Judges the heart rather than the out surfaces. Inevitably true Spiritual Progress involves a Demolition progress to make way for new growth. Also this progress is profoundly painful. How could it not be? It will involve the thought that we are shooting backwards not forwards. But what is really throwing us is that we have been relying too much on outward forms rather than inward Spiritual Realities. Instead of travelling on a well appointed Cruise Ship we find we have fallen overboard and are trying to float in the middle of the ocean on our own. At first we wave and shout at the Cruise Ship to turn round and come back and save us. Then a feeling of desolation as the ship fades into the distance. We kick and flounder. But then after a longer period was find that the sea is warm and holds us in her arms. That she is not our enemy but our Mother. Then maybe one day we find that Dolphins come and play with us. Giving us free rides speeding across the seas. That sea eagles come from the heavens and carry us towards the stars laughing. That even the little shoals of fish come upwards to talk with us and to laugh and play. That the Dark Sea that once appeared our enemy has embraced us as its own and become our Church and home.
The only way you can make good wine is to crush the grapes. The only way the Good Lord can bring forth the Rich Wine of Holiness from souls is to press them in the Wine Press of the Cross. There is simply no other way to Salvation. ..and the more the grapes get pressed, the longer they are left in Darkness to Grow than the Richer the Wine of Holiness shall be. The Greater the Cross always equals the Greater God's Saint. .and so we have the terrible , beautiful and wonderful paradox that the soul who walks towards God does not see itself as becoming richer and richer but poorer and poorer. Of becoming more and more secure, but rather more and more dependent on Grace and Mercy. ..and of a deeper and deeper sweet dark awareness of its own sinfulness. It is the seed which falls into the rich dark Earth to die and give birth to something new and wonderful. For as we Die with Christ so too we shall be reborn in Him. John 12:24 I assure you, most solemnly I tell you, Unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains [just one grain; it never becomes more but lives] by itself alone. But if it dies, it produces many others and yields a rich harvest.
Your thoughts are very helpful. And very true. Some years ago standing at my stove looking at a picture I had hung of the Sacred Heart I heard very clearly: how many want My gifts how few want My Cross.
I suspect authentic Christianity is the only Religion that understands suffering as the ladder to God. Other Faiths and Philosophies want us to overcome suffering, to ignore it, to say it is not real, to tell us it is evil. Only the Christian has the Cross at the centre. 1 Corinthians 1:23 The Message of the Cross …22Jews demand signs and Greeks search for wisdom, 23but we preach Christ crucified, a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, 24but to those who are called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God.…
Well she is certainly one lady who knew all about suffering. I see on Good Friday on at least one occasion at least her arms were dislocated as she shared the Passion. Mind blowing. She looked like a puff of wind would blow her over. Yet she was really a soldiers soldier.
Luisa suffered very much, possibly more than anyone knows or could imagine. She suffered the wounds of Christ many times, didn't eat food for almost 40 years existing on the Eucharist alone, she was bedridden for about 64 years. But Luisa considered her greatest suffering to be the "privation" of Jesus. She also suffered from having to write the most intimate conversations between herself and Jesus in obedience to her confessors. Luisa told Saint Annibale (proclaimed Saint by Pope John Paul II on May 16, 2004) on July 14, 1921, "...to reveal myself to others causes me the most acute pain I have written them only for the sake of obedience and for no other." And again on Dec. 27, 1923 she wrote to him saying, "Now remember always the secret; these are always the most intimate things and only the Divine Will could have persuaded me to make the sacrifice." Saint Annibale said this about Luisa, "To the sufferings of the soul are added those of the body, the greatest of which is the mystical state. Without any visible sign in her hands, her side, or her forehead, she receives from Our Lord Himself a frequent crucifixion. Jesus Himself places her on a cross and thrusts the nails into her. Then, this soul experiences what St. Teresa used to describe when she received the wound from the Seraphim; that is, she experienced a most sensitive pain that causes her to faint, and at the same time, enters into an ecstasy of love."
