The Struggle with Our Thoughts One does not arrive at virtue except through knowledge of self and knowledge of Me, which knowledge is more perfectly acquired in the time of temptation, because then man knows himself to be nothing, being unable to lift off himself the pains and vexations which he would flee; and he knows Me in his will, which is fortified by My goodness, so that it does not yield to these thoughts. The Love Crucified Community. The Simple Path to Union with God (p. 74). Kindle Edition. ++++++++++ The growth in self-knowledge is not an easy task. When we run from the truth about ourselves it will often lead to trouble and suffering. “Fear of facing ourselves can back us into tight corners, and there is no escape if the inner journey is not started. Sometimes repression is something that can be needed. Our inner world is deep, perhaps bottomless, filled with billions of experiences buried so deep that they cannot be remembered or considered. This can be a good thing if we are not prepared to experience them. It allows us to live our lives without too much conscious baggage. Yet, the depths of our unconscious still have a strong hold on us and can cause havoc if they move close to the surface just below consciousness. Our everyday struggle can let us know even if dimly what we are dealing with. Our thoughts and fantasies will show us hints about the source of our inner struggle. However, if we do not have a strong ego, it may be impossible for us to deal with these issues without causing us a great deal of shame or self-hatred. This can be a serious roadblock that can keep us from taking the inner journey. When prayer comes into the picture, which is an opening of one’s heart and mind to God, it is then that we are called to trust in God and His leadership in our lives. It is true, that trust can be a difficult choice, but once we accept that we are loved by God, and as a Christian, Jesus fulfills that role, we can face the most painful, and yes violent, inner issues before the gaze of Our Loving God. We learn to trust from experience that flows from a deep prayer life. Prayer allows us to step back and observe thereby learning that we are not our emotions or feelings, but are important aspects of our inner life. They pass, and there is a flow. When this becomes a reality for us we can find it easier to stay focused and rooted in our faith in God’s presence in our lives. Jesus commands us to love ourselves, for otherwise, we will run from this necessary but daunting task of true growth in God’s love. BrMD
Hello brother Mark It’s been a little while since I’ve replied… is that proper? To your thoughts. As always you seem to speak into my heart. As life proceeds with its unavoidable trials the inner life increases. Self knowledge that entering deeply within becomes much more the reality. Truth illuminates and reduces me. God grows not in the sense of increasing in size rather I become smaller. The past becomes much more focused indeed real. Despite great sorrow and shame God is greater. I’ve had the experiance of late of returning to the past. Not to persons but to paths I walked fields I’ve crossed even to the smell of the fresh dung from cows in fields. I’ve walked home from school reliving every step seeing in a way I can’t truly understand the journey to home. You are older than me though I’m not young anymore. I have memories of the monks that cause deep emotions of joy of hope. Pray for me. I pray for you. My heart sees a world without God. The darkness is intent on total destruction. God is watching and waiting for you for me to love. All he seeks all. I’m telling you this secret of my inner self. I don’t understand it. My life as a child was simple rural village life. Not know but in the depths of my soul it is.
...One does not arrive at virtue except through knowledge of self and knowledge of Me, which knowledge is more perfectly acquired in the time of temptation, because then man knows himself to be nothing... To realize myself to be nothing apart from grace would truly be a gift because my ego often loves to be built up. But I think the one who sincerely longs to grow in the love of God and to serve Him in others, will ultimately desire and not fear the inner battles occurring in the course of daily life. The struggle of Jesus in the Garden is a most profound example which comes to mind. His loss of sense of the Father's Presence and then the abandonment of the chosen three who had fallen asleep - what a double whammy! Yet Jesus returned to enter again into the spiritual battle of prayer that ultimately fortified Him for what was to come. To experience the truth about myself rather than lean on the accolades of others is a worthy desire...still room for growth in that regard!
I believe some of us experience a small part of the monastic journey when we are about to fall asleep. A few months ago, when I still suffered from insomnia, it was common for me to contemplate a whirlwind of thoughts at that time, which stirred reflection; an exercise in self-awareness and an inner journey made possible by the silence and distance from any technological means.
Thank you for this deeply personal comment. God is blessing you, even though it may be difficult. The review of life that leads to deeper trust is truly a path towards healing. Peace Br. Mark
Prayer allows us to step back and observe in the presence of the Lord. I know what you are talking about, I believe the Lord reaches us when we can't sleep but have to face our inner thoughts. Peace Br. Mark
Do you ever have passing thoughts that come true but are initially delayed? I am experiencing a lot of this lately and have no clue what it is.
I believe your experience is not that uncommon. People just do not talk about it. If this happens again pray about it. No need to figure it out, you can't. Peace Mark
It gives me peace knowing it is kind of normal. I will follow your advice and pray on it each time it happens. Thank you.
