Fear of just ‘being’ When you come to pray, it is not so much the words that matter; it is your loving attention to My presence that consoles My Heart. Give Me your attention, and I will work the wonders of My merciful love in your soul. Hold yourself facing Me. Abide in My presence gently, without forcing yourself to produce thoughts, feelings, or sensations. None of these things is necessary to a prayer that pleases Me and gives Me the freedom to act in a soul. All that is necessary is faith, and with faith, hope, and with hope, the love that binds the soul to Me and makes union with Me a reality. A Benedictine Monk. In Sinu Jesu: When Heart Speaks to Heart --The Journal of a Priest at Prayer (Kindle Locations 3720-3725). Angelico Press. Kindle Edition. I often wonder just ‘what’, and ‘who’, I am. I can experience myself as being made of many pieces, which are part of a puzzle that seems to have an almost infinite number of parts that do not always fit. I experience them as inner conflict. Or aspects of myself that seem foreign to me because I have trouble accepting them. Inner voices, or images, that insist on floating to the surface, floating in full view on top of my inner ocean, often called the unconscious. I am thankful that I am not aware of all the different ‘people’ that I am, who seek an audience, who want to be heard, and at times can become quite vocal. Yet there is a unifying factor that I also experience. It is my simple self-awareness that does not need thought to be aware. It is an emotional awareness, not intellectual. It is an awareness of pain and suffering, or being filled with joy or awe, or with a deep, ‘paradoxical feeling’, of nothingness where it is felt deeply, at the same time, it is not anything at all. How do these pieces come together, how to keep them from becoming even more alien to my conscious mind, and could actually expand further into some sort of inner void that is the opposite of being truly alive. When I allow these inner fragments to come to center stage something in me goes to sleep and I lose my place, I lose touch with the world around me, which can lead to isolation and alienation from self and others. I am awake but actually dreaming. In the ‘void’, when I sit and just ‘be’, or if I focus on some prayer in order to be grounded, and open, to the ‘Infinite’, revealed in Christ Jesus, as compassionate love for all… If I can let go of the fear of whatever comes before my inner gaze. I find that the parts come closer together, bringing me nearer to one day actually seeing this puzzle that I call my inner life, but a puzzle that I can observe, not be a part of, yet… it is me as well. It is love of self, as commanded by Jesus Christ that allows this to happen. Self-hatred will only scatter the fragments of my inner life further apart, or to look at it another way, be buried so deep in my inner ‘void’, or ‘ocean’, that they may never surface again. Which gives them more power, since they will try to manifest themselves to me so as to be healed, dealt with, and in reality, disciplined. To gently be with the Lord in the midst of some inner storm or another, with one, or many voices seeking my attention, it allows me to observe and to not be absorbed by them, and to make them into some sort of ‘truth’. No matter my experience, it is seen by the Father, taken up and loved and in that there is healing. Those who do not believe will tell me that I am living in a fantasy world, that this Infinite love that I seek is an illusion, based on the fear of reality. I always wonder how they know that, can say that with such confidence. With more confidence than I have actually about my own faith. For faith, is something that is believed by one’s inner experiences, and the testimonies of others, as stated in the Scriptures. We either say yes to that, or not. We give our acceptance, or not. It could be turned around as well. If God exists, they are the ones cut off from reality and living out a fantasy. However, we live in a world of ‘not knowing’, I am fine with that. Arguing about such things is a waste of time. I seek to deepen my trust and faith in my Lord. To learn, slowly, over time, that no matter what I am going through, I need not fear the loving gaze of the Eternal Father, and in that is healing. It helps to keep in check the tendency to make myself ‘god’, though it is a ‘god’ that can do nothing, since it is based on a lie. Jesus said ‘fear is useless, what is needed is trust’ is a hard lesson to learn…..still doing that. We cling to fear, to our ideas of God that feed that fear, because we understand a God that needs to be feared, sort of like Zeus on a bad day. We can placate what we fear since it is just a projection of ourselves. To actually believe in Infinite Love, a love way beyond anything we can understand calls for a death to servile fear of God, as well as a tendency to pass on this ‘meme’ to others. Love liberates, a love based on the Will of God. How would that look? Well just think, what if everyone in the United States, decided to live out the Ten Commandments, for just a week, as well as to take the Sermon on the Mount seriously? These are based on loving others, not using them, or stereotyping them. Not stealing from others, not cheating on one’s spouse, to keep one day Holy so that we can rest, and reconnect, with the Infinite. What if? Well, it won’t happen. Yet each of us can decide to do that, to be open to the loving presence of God and the grace that is always flowing towards us. When that happens, we find that we have a different sort of freedom. The freedom to not allow the hate and spite of others to change us, to control us. We have the freedom to pray for those who hate us, and in that the poison of violence is not passed on to others. Finally, we learn to love ourselves….perhaps the hardest lesson to learn.—Br.MD
Beautiful. Listen to what the lord says, hold yourself facing me ...give me your attention. It’s not words or thoughts indeed not feelings how’s that for a correction? As I read your words my brother I had an image of the sun as it rises gently enter my imagination. The sun by its magnificent power casts out to the deepest space drawing the planets to circle and even the the smallest fragments of debris to follow its call. The created sun an image an echo to our intelligence revealing the one who creates! Moses stood before the burning bush, drawn by an inner urge to see. Who are you? I AM THAT I AM. Many many people today are drawn to circle around the One who is calling them. Fragments of nations once devoted to him mere debris in comparison to the greater populations find themselves giving him attention. It is a worldwide phenomenon. It’s called the Catholic Church. Making time for prayer in a household of 7 , full time shift worker, moving house next week after spending almost a month with sickness at home ...is not easy. Added all the noise from abuse/corruption headlines it would be easy to turn away. But that sun draws me beyond my human strength to circle. Drifting in the great inner ocean at times calm at others with a raging storm. Memories and wounds - hopes and fears - sins and human follies float on this private sea. At times prayer is mere silence. There are no words to say. I love him I am lost without him. Sometimes joy sometimes hope sometimes deep distress for I see that I don’t want to see. This gift of seeing myself in all its misery. At times love so overwhelming I think I might disappear. I believe one day soon the force of the Son will draw us to holiness so great it will transform the earth. Like mere dust floating in space the Lord will gather us into one and evil and all its darkness will be no more. The lord is gathering his children the banquet is ready. Light your oil lamp and put on the fresh clothes. The wedding feast arrives. May the lord in his mercy bless you and hold you in the palm of his hand.
