I'm wondering how each couple here makes financial decisions with extra money. My husband and I married a couple of years ago, (we have older kids from previous marriages, annulled and widowed) and we have come to an agreement that he leads and ultimately decides on moral issues, and I ultimately decide on non-moral issues after talking it through. An issue has come up which has been terribly difficult. It is the issue of the children's schooling. We've sent our children to private school in lower grades. But now he feels we can't afford for all of them to go to the more expensive private high school. My income is largely variable, but based on the past 10 years, it is somewhat consistently in excess of what we need to pay the basics. He'd like to use the extra money to fix up the house and other things. The kids also need a car. Ultimately, is this his decision if he feels like it is a moral decision, being that of the security of the family versus the frivolities of an expensive private (religious) college prep? How can I approach this discussion?
I would just like to add this: how are the schools? Are they going to provide a fitting environment for your children? Will the money be well spent there? What are other educational alternatives?
This is a very difficult question. I find schooling absolutely key, especially considering the political agenda in today's education. Good or bad schooling will determine our children's life path. Please forgive me, dear dear forum members, I don't mean to sound like a record player, harping on about all my preferences on this forum, but I am speaking from conviction: We gave up living in the city and moved 400 km away to a small town, for the sole reason that our oldest child can begin primary school at an SSPX schoool. This school also has a High School! It comes with excellent education following the Cambridge system, foreign languages taught even include Latin. The state has examined it and found the students to be top notch. Qualified teachers include nuns as staff members, the moral teaching and camaraderie is excellent and old school, all weekly school Masses are TLM. My son loves his little school and his friends! In answer to your question, we also considered a private school at first and found it to be barely affordable. When I went to visit, my impression was that education is good and the kids are decent (as opposed to state schools). But the kids seemed to own expensive gear and were caught up on their phones. They discussed matters of consumerism in conversations I overheard. Our SSPX school, in contrast, has many rather not so well off families with as many as 7, 8 or more kids. These kids are very social and not spoiled. Our school does not allow smart phones, which is great. Our High School has boarding students and is still not very expensive. Is there an SSPX school in your country?
Yes, there is the issue of materialism and rich kids at the Catholic school. But this particular private school is very devout and conservative. Although it most likely still struggles with materialism. We have one of kids going to another smaller, less expensive, very conservative school not under the diocese, but it is extremely cliquey and exclusionary. My second child had a difficult time with this, and so we are trying to find a new high school. The public school nearby is pretty average, but in a nice, suburban, conservative neighborhood. It is my comfort, if she goes here, that she will take the honors courses and be involved in sports, which usually has more positive people. It's just very difficult to discuss the decision with husband, he is very set on her going to the public school. He feels it is a moral decision, based on financial security of the family. I'm not sure how to handle. Perhaps I should recognize this. But I will have to work at getting over my unhappiness and resentment.
Michael this sounds like a little bit of heaven. Good for you and your wife for doing this for your children.
It is clearly a moral decision, that's for sure. It is even more than that, it will determine who your children will be all their life and in the next. So, in that sense, I would do everything I can to send the kids to a truly Catholic school. If this means you have to sacrifice your livelihood including even your house renovations, your kids will always remember that and so they may listen and take to heart the good Catholic advise you give them when they eventually go to University, where there is a high risk of impurity or even apostasy. Schooling is so crucial. I am with you on that one. Print this off and show it to your husband!
It is truly a little heaven. We are so happy here! Just lots of marriage trouble, we always had that. Need healing and patience, many Rosaries.
Perhaps do both? Make a list of what house repairs need to be done, and all other material issues, then make a plan to do one or two a year and stick with the plan, while also sending as many as possible to the private schools. You only have a few formative years to guide your children, and all of the rest of your life together after they are gone to update your material investments. Prayers!
IheartMary, Welcome to the forum! With the general culture as toxic as it is today, I believe the primary question for Catholics is, "What is the the Lord's best path forward that will find our children living the Faith at the end of the mine-filled educational system. I like Carmel333's comment: You only have a few formative years to guide your children. This is our primary charge as Catholic parents. What must we do on the home front to encourage the Faith, and how does the educational culture contribute to that goal? If our children can exit the educational system and nail down a entry-level $45,000/yr. job, and yet find themselves formed by an anti-family, anti-Christian worldview, was it worth it? I think not. We are essentially in a pagan culture now. But as Pope John Paul II would say, "Be not afraid!" We all will be praying for you. Mark 8:36 For what shall it profit a man, if he gain the whole world, and suffer the loss of his soul?
Thank you for the kind welcome and wise answers everyone. I will take these into account. Please keep our family in your prayers.
Late to the party. First, welcome IheartMary! We put the house to one side and concentrated on our four children's education. Our son had been very unhappy in the state system, and one of our daughters wasn't thriving either. Both were in remedial classes and our son was bullied by one of the teachers very badly. I went on retreat to pray about this and came home feeling calm about moving him to the private sector. The school we had in mind wasn't Catholic but did have a happy atmosphere and we had glowing recommendations from other parents. I wasn't working (full time housewife) and although we did have some funds, it would mean a struggle. Our son never looked back. He made lifelong friends at the new school and it was worth every penny. He was in no remedial classes. Our eldest daughter joined him and she shone in English, where she'd been having extra help in the old school. My Mother in Law said that it wasn't right to be sending our twins to the state school (which was, ironically a Catholic school) when the older two were not. I said we couldn't afford the fees, so she said she would help. I was delighted but my husband was not and we decided to bear the brunt of it ourselves. Somehow. Sending the twins to the private (('prep') school was a leap of faith. It meant our house wasn't as updated as some in our street and our cars were old. The Lord was generous and we never went without the essentials. We kept all our children in the private sector and one of my twins solemnly thanked me later as she said she would have been badly bullied had she gone to a state senior school. Your mileage may very - I know of a large Catholic family whose children didn't thrive in the private sector. IheartMary, is the child your husband wants to send to the public school his genetic offspring? You mention you are in a second marriage. This can be problematic when the children are from different marriages, but obviously all should be treated alike.
I agree with the others that the children's faith is of primary importance and all education decisions should be made with their spiritual good at the forefront. I believe, and have experienced, that God is very generous in providing for our temporal needs when we place matters of Faith first always.
I agree with everyone. I guess my primary question is, how do I fight this battle? How far do I go, and should I let him make final say? That's the tough part.
Prayer is most essential! When my husband and I disagree on something, I make my case but then I go to God in prayer. I tell God it's in His hands... That I want His Will, but it's His job to convince my husband, not mine. So if my case DOES correspond to God's will, God can work in my husband's heart; I don't need to nag! Let me tell you, this has NEVER failed in our 11 years of marriage. Usually it goes something like this: My husband approaches me and says, "You know, I've been thinking..." or "So I just read this book that says..." And he proceeds to tell me the very thing I was trying to tell him the week or month before, as if it's this brand new idea he just came up with. God and I get to share a private wink and handshake, and my husband gets to make the decision. Win win! Of course if God has other ideas, then my husband makes his own case and I feel in my heart a perfect peace with following what he says. It ALWAYS works out perfectly when I put it all in God's hands with faith and trust.
Purple Flower, how true, thank you for the gentle reminder. I am focusing my energies into prayer instead of the debate with him. To Clare A, the child is from my previous marriage.
Ah PF, you're making me laugh (in the good sense) at the bold line above! Sounds like something my wonderful wife, Geralyn, would say. Of course, we husbands might see it differently. When in heaven, we can reminisce and laugh about such discussions. This is why the Lord must be the glue in every marriage! The one who laughs last laughs best!
Have all your husband's children gone to private school? You don't say how many children would be affected by moving to the state system. It's my opinion only but as the child in question is yours and not his, you should have the deciding vote about her future.
